Bright Lights, Big Kitteh: Det. Kitowicz's Treatise on Polygraph Tests

Whatevs.

When reading cases you often come across stories about polygraph tests and how they helped clear some suspect or cast suspicion on some chappy innocent kitteh.  Like that old Angela Hammond case on Unsolved Mysteries, Robert Stack says the boyfriend Rob was under suspicion until he passed a polygraph with flying colors.  Even though at first they didn't believe his story about Angela being dragged from a phone booth while he was on the phone with her.  Do you believe Rob?

How in the name of Fancy Feast is a device with fifty percent accuracy going to clear things up though?  And that's exactly what a polygraph is, it has the same credibility as a coin toss or rock, paper, kitteh litter.  Using a polygraph to clear Rob is like me flipping a quarter to see if Meowahan came to work high on catnip or not.  And he is, one hundred percent of the time, it helps Meowahan deal with his depression, loneliness, and impotence.

You know this about Harry Meowahan.

You are the kitteh detective who sits in the corner reading Jay McInerney novels.  You are Detective Kitowicz.  You are handsome and all the kittehs love you.

You are telling the truth.

You give yourself a polygraph test, hook the wire things up to your arm.

"Do you still cry when you think about Kittehthryn?"

Kittehthryn is your wife.  You never got used to calling her ex, not even after five years.  You don't want to talk about her.

"Answer me," you tell yourself, "do you still love Kittehthryn?"

You say no.

The red lightbulb nose on the polygraph machine's face glows red and buzzes, buzzes louder than your doorbell when death came ringing that morning.

The polygraph device itself is in the shape of Kittehthryn's body.  Her legs shaped perfectly as if they belonged to some marble chair designed by some kind of chair genius.

The needle runs along the borders of the open wounds, the rims of holes cut out of a plastic model of Kittehthryn's body in order to expose her organs, if the needle slips and falls into the hole, her organs will fail all at once, and even though she's plastic and scale-sized Kittehthryn will die all over again.  As long as you don't lie the needle will stay on its course.  You can save her.

"Stop lying to yourself detective Kitowicz," you tell yourself.

Whatevs.  How do you know you are lying?

It's fifty-fifty at best.

No better than chance.

Signed,
Det. Kitowicz

Meowahan's Case Files: The Creepy Death of Katherine Korzilius

Today has started out a little rough; got a little too involved with the catnip last night, and woke up this morning with a pounding headache and a mouthful of fur that tasted like Scratchaway. I don’t remember a thing, and I’m sure she’ll deny seeing me. I haven’t felt this bad since my days on the road with Bon Jovi. I acted as security for those long-haired punks during the 90’s. 

Helped that I was suspended every time Bon Jovi seemed to hit the road, and the money was good, as was the nip. I didn’t really care for their music, but there was one song I liked; August 7, 4:15.

For those who don’t know, that song was about a 6 year old kid named Katherine Korzilius, a gifted little thing that could wail on the piano. Her dad, Paul, was the road manager for Bon Jovi, and they seemed like a real nice little family.

Tragic Kitteh: Katherine Korzilius

In April of 96, Katherine was out shopping for a birthday gift for her dad, and on the way home with her mom, Nancy, they stopped off at the community mail boxes, a task that little Katherine loved to perform. After picking up the mail, she asked her mom for permission to walk home and, given that she had done so before, Nancy agreed.

The Korzilius home was located in the center of Elder Circle, and the house could be reached by travelling in either direction on the main road. Nancy went one way, Katherine the other. 

When she didn’t make it home, her brother Brian went to look for her with no luck, and eventually she was found on another lot, alive, but only just. 

She soon succumbed to her injuries and authorities initially believed that she may have been dragged by the family car. An autopsy ruled out that idea, and it’s now believed she may have been abducted and thrown from a vehicle.

The thought of that makes me feel even sicker than I do already. I don’t understand what sort of punk could willfully hurt a kid. Katherine had a happy life taken away from her for a reason we may never find out, but at least her memory will live on through that song.

Signed,

Det. Meowahan

Kitteh Hatehs #1: Jo-Jo Jenkins and Primetime Crimetime

Uh uh kittehs! It's Jo-Jo Jenkins, one of Crime Kittehs' worst enemehs!!!

Hey Crime Kittehs!

Detective Kitowicz here, I came into Crime Kittehs headquarters this morning to find a package slipped under the door, a package from none other than used car salesman and wannabe crime solver Jo-Jo Jenkins, owner of Primetime Crimetime, the lamest crime blog ever.

Jo-Jo Jenkins is the ringleader of a loosely organized gallery of rogue crime bloggers who aim to take me and Detective Meowahan down.

I am sure we will be receiving more of these spooky videos from our enemies in the future but rest assured Crime Kittehs will never back down!

Signed,
Det. Kitowicz

Crime Kittehs Top 5 Lamest Killers!!!

5. Ted "Theodore" Bundy:

Ted Bundy was known for being handsome and charming, he was known this way mainly by his BFF Ann Rule, and she wrote a whole bestselling book that went on and on about how handsome he was.  Yeah Ann Rule, whatever, if your idea of handsome is short and creepy and dressed up in crappy sweaters.  :P

4. Andrew Cunanan:

 

Totally the most "whatevs" serial killer ever.  The less said about Cunanan the better.

3. "The Real Killers":

These two shady little puppehs slashed Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman to death with razor knives and framed superstar football player O.J. Simpson up for the crime.  The Real Killers are cowards and Crime Kittehs is calling them out.  Show yourselves!

2. Jersey "Ocean Maniac" Maneater:

Ocean creatures belong in my belleh not on a most wanted list!  Silly shark!

1. The Route 29 Stalker:

Police sketch of suspected "Route 29 Stalker".

You suck! Why did you kill Alicia Reynolds? She was in her fourth year at graduate school and making something of herself, you sick bastard!!!

Sexy girl talks about Crimekittehs.com

Crime Kittehs TV #1: Purry McMeow on the Smiley Face Killers!

Welcome to the first episode of Crime Kittehs TV:

Most Spooky with Jane Scratchaway: The Phantom Killer of Texarkana

The Phantom Killer of Texarkana

Greetings and meow, my fellow sleuthing enthusiasts, this is Sergeant Scratchaway reporting for – ooh – bug!

Ahem. Sorry about that. When bugs crawl around, I pretty much have to chase them. I can’t help myself. Same thing with cold cases – they turn up, and I gotta look at them, and see what happened.

I was gnawing on a shoelace the other day when I remembered an old serial killer case, out of Texarkana, back sometime in the ‘40s. Folks around there were pretty terrified, and the killer, a white-hood-with-eyeholes-cut-out type of number; well he predated good old Jason and Freddy by several decades, my pretties.

Purrhaps I will relate it to you. It might put you off your kibble for a while though, so beware. It started with a couple, Jimmy Hollis, age 24, and Mary Jeanne Larey, age 19. They were enjoying a quiet evening, when out of the blue they were assaulted from behind, and taken out with some sort of blunt force trauma to their noggins.

They both managed to survive, though poor Mary Jeanne was sexually assaulted with the perpetrator’s pistol. Thankfully, it seems that the bad guy was scared off when a pair of headlights swung around, and both kids were able to run off and get help.

And so began the case of the Texarkana Moonlight Murders, and the Phantom Slayer. There were several instances after this one, which sadly did end in murder. Richard Griffin and Polly Ann Moore were slain on a rural road – both receiving shots to the back of the head.

There were some who said that the Phantom Killer struck only on the night of  a full moon, but that, my friends, is apocryphal. Only those silly dogs howl at the moon, you know.

After a few more killings, people were getting really scared. There was one suspect, a car thief by the name of Youell Swinney, who also had a pretty long rap sheet for burglaries and other crimes. His wife ratted him out, claiming that he was "the Phantom Killer".

But good old Mrs. Swinney’s story kept changing, and there was no chance it would have held up in court. I think purrhaps she had other motives in mind.

Youell Swinney was eventually convicted on his other crimes and ended up getting a life sentence; though he was released many years later sue to a technicality.

The killings stopped after a while, and there were no new suspects. Things died down, but there is a strange little postscript to this story. Many of the victims’ living relatives received calls from a woman claiming to be the daughter of the killer. She apologized to them for the pain that her father had caused. This was strange because Swinney had no daughter.

Most Spooky with Jane Scratchaway: The Case of Angela Hammond

Angie Hammond: missing since 1991 :(

Hi I'm Sgt. Jane Scratchaway and I hope you aren't alone because I am going to tell you about some of the spookiest cases I have ever encountered. 

Often I do undercover work, collecting evidence that would otherwise go unnoticed by human detectives. A sock, a piece of string,  a bottle cap, or other things that often go ignored by conventional investigators can give us cats great leads in solving crimes.

Today I found myself restless between naps, and thinking about an old case that always left a hairball in my throat. So, I headed down to the Betamax archives to revisit the case of Angie Hammond - a sweet girl gone missing.

Angela Hammond went missing from Clinton, MO in 1991 and the last contact she had with anyone was her boyfriend Rob. 

I submit the following archive clip for your viewing before I give you my theory:

 Everybody got that? Good. Now, I know we are far more wary of strangers now than we were twenty years ago, but if you sense danger, even if you're down to your last dime and on a pay phone - if there's a threat, you get out of where you are. 

The phone booth as it stood in 1991 (it has since been replaced by a lamppost).

Angie could have called her boyfriend collect from another phone, in a safer location. But I'm not putting the blame on this poor girl. Her only fault, in this cat's opinion, was in trusting Rob.

Rob kept Angie on the phone long enough for this "stranger" to pull up next to Angie and kidnap her. Angie was able to describe where she was, what the guy's truck looked like, and what he was wearing, before he grabbed her.

My theory? Rob staged this. He had Angie give him the details not out of concern, but to make sure this large guy actually got her. I think maybe Rob hired someone to kidnap Angie, had her tell him these things to make sure the guy actually followed through with his part of the deal, and then drove to "find her" to make sure the job was done.

There was ample time for Rob to notify the police.

The only question that keeps me awake for minutes at a time - the one thing that leaves a funny taste in my Fancy Feast, is why?

A little known fact: Angela was four months pregnant (and not by Rob) when she was abducted. Maybe it was an early "family values" agenda, or the network didn't see this as an issue for their prime time viewing audience, but someone over at the network omitted this in the retelling of the case. Whatever the reason, this is something that makes this story a little more than a simple snatch and grab.

The whole reason for Rob continuing his relationship was that he (at least overtly) wanted to "do the right thing," even though he wasn't the father.

I'm not saying Rob had a hand in this kidnapping. I'm just saying that the prospect of raising a child that wasn't his may have put too much stress on Rob, and maybe he wasn't thinking straight at the time - be it keeping Angela on the phone while she was abducted, to perhaps setting the whole scenario in motion at a much earlier point.

If you have a better theory I’d be glad to hear it.

Signed,

Sgt. Jane Scratchaway

Betamax Archives #2: Smiley Face Killers

Earlier today Detective Meowahan posted his theory on the so-called Smiley Face Killers.

I managed to dig up these old clips in the Betamax archive and transferred them manually to my Tandy home computer.  I hope they will shed a bit more light on this bullshit "theory" by two bullshit "detectives":

Signed,
Det. Kitowicz

Betamax Archives #1: Jodi Huisentruit

Missing anchorwoman Jodi Huisentruit.  Who took her?

As most people know us cats do all our home viewing on Betamax tape, it's the format we prefer.

I thought that it would help supplement some of our case studies on here by digging into the Betamax vaults and finding related clips.

Mind you, I manually transfer each of these clips from Betamax tape onto my Amiga computer.

For our first piece of  footage I bring you the story of Jodi Huisentruit, these were originally aired on Unsolved Mysteries soon after her disappearance in 1995. 

I am currently preparing a review of "Dead Air:  The Disappearance of Jodi Huisentruit" by Beth Bednar and one of my officers, Sgt. Jane Scratchaway is working on her own study of the Huisentruit case which I will be posting up here in due time.

Anyway, take a look at the clips and if you have kids be careful, this is some pretty spooky shit: